Joke 71: Notorious morose

“I never sing while working.”
“What are you, some kind of kill-joy?”
“No, diver.”

Joke 70: The vase

“Mom, do you remember the expensive vase you always worried could get broken?”
“Yes, what about it?”
“Just that you don't have to worry anymore.”

Joke 69: The cat

“George, take the cat outside! The screaming is terrible. Where is the damned animal anyway?”
“You are sitting on it, dad.”

Joke 68: Answer

“What did your father said when you told him that you are pregnant?”
“Should I omit the bad words?”
“Yes.”
“Than he said nothing.”

Joke 67: Weird man

“Look mom, the man over there is eating his soup with fork.”
“Be quiet.”
“Mom, he is drinking from flower vase.”
“Be quiet!”
“He is eating his tie!”
“Give him his glasses back and shut up!!!”

Joke 66: Good news

A man announces to his colleagues at work: “My Jenny is getting married next week.”
“And who is the lucky one?”
“Me and my wife.”

Joke 65: Surprise!!!

Little Tommy says to his mother.
“Mom, I have a surprise for you!”
“Really Tommy, what is it?”
“I swallowed a nail!”

Joke 64: Perfect marriage

Our marriage has not seen even an angry word. I hope for equally harmonious second day.

Joke 63: The Parrot

“It can't go on like that Sam. You've taught 27 lewd words to the parrot just this last month!”
“I don't understand it, mom. I didn't teach him. I even spend the month reminding him which words not to use!”

Joke 62: Sandwich

Grandson comes to his grandfather and asks him.
“Grandpa, you have no teeth.”
“That's right Jimmy, not a single one.”
“Than you can hold on to this ham sandwich for me.”

Joke 61: The ring

The door bell is ringing. Little Peter opens the door and outside are two policemen.
“Is your father home?”
“No.”
“And your mother?”
“She hid also.”

Joke 60: Bra

“I'm 15 already. May I finally wear bra, mom?”
“No Johnny.”

Joke 59: Great Love

“Believe me, my dear granddaughter, there is only one great love in every woman's life.”
“And who was it in your case grandma?”
“The sailors.”

Joke 58: Which Animal

Which animal has the dick on its back?
A police horse.

Joke 57: Selection

How do you select 3 complete idiots among politicians?
At random.

Joke 56: A rabbit

What is the difference between a running and a flying rabbit?
The flying one has an eagle on his back.

Joke 55: Yogurt

Do you know the difference between a pot of yogurt an USA?
The yogurt develops a culture within a month.

Joke 54: Vulture

Do you know what is the difference between a mother in law and a vulture?
The vulture waits until you die.

Joke 53: The Order

Do you know why did The God created the woman as the second one?
Because he didn't want to listen to all the advices.

Joke 52: Gutter

Do you know why did The God created the woman as the second one?
Because he didn't want to listen to all the advices.

Joke 51: Beak

Do you know why do woodpeckers have their beak?
So that they don't bang their forehead against a tree.

Joke 50: Tail

Do you know why do dogs have their tail?
So that they don't tip over when they loll their tongue.

Joke 49: Swallows

Why do swallows fly to the south?
It's too far to walk.

Joke 48: A bicycle dash

It's black and it's dashing at enormous velocity down the hill. What is it?
A mole on bicycle.

Joke 47: Backpack

A guy is laying on a meadow. He has a backpack on his back and flies are flying around. What is in the backpack?
The parachute.

Joke 46: Hair loss cure

What stops your hair from falling?
The floor.

Joke 45: Behind the fence

It's behind the fence and can't be thrown over. What is it?
An behindfencer unoverthrownable.

Joke 44: Crossbreeding

Do you know what would be the result of crossbreeding of a cow and a turtle?
A calf with a helmet.

Joke 43: Fart

Do you what fart is?
Nature's futile attempt to teach ass to sing.

Joke 42: Round and flying

It's black round and flying over a pond, what is it?
A properly kicked cat.

Joke 41: Four legged friend

Do you know what is the man's best four legged friend?
The bed.

Joke 40: Black and dangerous

It's black and it's dangerous. What is it?
A crow with a machine gun.

Joke 39: Black digger

It's black and it digs. What is it?
A mole.

Joke 38: Colorful

It's colorful but you can't see it. What is it?
Buried crayons

Joke 37: Romance

What is man's definition of romance?
Sex.

Joke 36: What is it?

You sleep on it during the night. You sit on it during the day. You brush your teeth with it in the evening. What is it?
A bed, a chair and a toothbrush.

Joke 35: Excavator

If you throw it up, it's brown. When it falls down it's an excavator.
What is it?
Kinder egg.

Joke 34: What is it?

Bush has it short. Clinton has it average. Schwarzenegger has it long. Madona doesn't have it. The Pope has it, but doesn't use it.
What is it?
The surname.

Joke 33: Just distribution

Do you know what is the most justly distributed commodity?
The intelligence. Everybody thinks they have enough.

Jokes 32: Repulsive and slimy

It's repulsive and slimy and if you step on it, a toad is out of luck. What is it?

Joke 31: Wood and meat

Lots of wood and a little of meat. What is it?
A squirrel in tree.
Lots of meat and a little of wood. What is it?
A splinter in the ass.

Jokes 30: Onion

What is the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
One cries when cutting up an onion.

Joke 29: Sand

What do you've got if you bury six lawyers to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

Joke 28: Mutual love

A man asks the God.
“Lord, why did you make women so beautiful?”
“So that you love her”
“Lord, why did you make her so stupid?”
“So that she loves you”

Joke 27: Sicilian insurance

Do you know the difference between an English insurance company and a Sicilian insurance company?
The English insurance company can tell you quit precisely how many people will die next year.
The Sicilian one can tell you their names.

Joke 26: Karate

A Japanese meets a German and says to him:
“I can beat you up in 5 minutes!”
They start a fight. A big bang a the German lies on the ground, all blood. The Japanese bows and says:
“This is from Japan – karate”
The Japanese meets an American and says to him:
“I can beat you up in 5 minutes!”
They start a fight. A big bang a the American lies on the ground, all blood. The Japanese bows and says:
“This is from Japan – judo”
The Japanese meets a Czech and says to him:
“You are week, I can beat you up in 2 minutes!”
They start a fight. A big bang a the Japanese lies on the ground, all blood. The Czech says:
“This is from Japan too – a hoist jack from mazda.”

Joke 25: The chain saw

Canadian lumberjacks visit their Russian colleagues. They bring the newest and the best chain saw model on the market as an present.
One of the Russians takes it to the woods to test it out. An Canadian calls after him:
“This is THE SAW, you can do 2000 cubic meters a day with it. Easy!”
The Russian comes in the evening all disappointed. Just 1700.
The Canadians are surprised and they suggest to try it again, to get used to it.
The Russian comes the next evening, worn down and all sweat - 1750, not a cubic more.
He tries another couple of days, but the best he can do is 1900.
The Canadians decide to go with him to show him the best technique. They come to the woods. One of them puts the goggles on and a big roar – he starts the saw. The Russian cries:
“What is the terrible noise!!!”

Joke 24: Alcohol contest

British, Russian and Czech want to decide whose alcohol is the strongest.
The British drinks a bottle of whiskey and they ask him how many chairs he sees.
“Three!”
“Not bad, not bad at all.”
The Russian drinks a bottle of vodka and they ask him how many chairs he sees.
“Five!”
“Very good, very good indeed.”
It's the Checks turn, he drinks a bottle of slivovice and they ask him how many chairs he sees.
“And in which row do you mean?”

Joke 23: Warming up

“Miss, could you please warm me up?”
“Sure, but the energy prices have risen!”

Joke 22: What is Love?

“What is Love?”
“It's the light of the life!”
“And what is the marriage?”
“It's the electricity bill.”