Joke 21: The Difference

Do you know what is the difference between a woman and the Internet?
You don't? Then you seem to have a problem...

Joke 20: The Bulb

How many Microsoft software engineers are needed to exchange one light bulb?
None, they just define darkness as a new industry standard.

Joke 19: The World

Two billionaires meet at a club. One of them says:
“I'm so rich, I could buy the whole world.”
The other answers:
“But I won't sell it to you!”

Joke 18: Resupply

Do you know with what have to be US humanitarian missions resupplied constantly? ...the ammunition.

Joke 17: The Buzz Saw

On a construction site, a guy is working with a buzz saw. All of a sudden bzzum and a finger is gone.
One terrible yell later, all other workers come and ask him what happened.
“I'm just normally sawing and sawing and F**K a second one!!!”

Joke 16: Eye in the Sand

Do you know what the difference between the black humor and the morbid humor is?
If there is a sand in the eye, it’s the black humor.
If there is an eye in the sand on the other hand...

Joke 15: Ties in the Desert

An exhausted and dried up guy drags himself through the desert and meets a tie seller.
“Water!”
“I'm sorry sir, but if you wanted a tie... I have a wide selection of models.”
The guy shakes his head and continues.
A few dunes later, he sees a luxurious hotel. Neons, marble, the whole deal. With his last breath, he shouts at a waiter:
“Water!”
“Sorry sir, but we serve gentlemen with ties only.”

Joke 14: The Cellar

“Where is your wife?”
“In the cellar.”
“You locked her up?”
“No, paved over.”

Joke 13: Superstitious

“Son, don’t put the gas canister so close to the fire. It can cause a big disaster.”
“Dad, ain’t you a bit old for such superstitions?”

Joke 12: Getting used to it

Old lady visits her doctor and immediately starts to complain about her health. Her legs hurt, her arms hurt and head … the whole body.
The doctor examines her a says:
”Don't worry. Just put one pound of cold dirt on your chest every day.”
“But why, ” asks the old lady “will it help?”
“It won't, but you have to get used to it.”

Joke 11: Legs

On railroad track lies an old lady. She is all blood and moans:
“Legs! My legs!”
An railroad worker walks bye and says:
“What the hell are you talking about? You have no legs!”

Joke 10: The Charity

Mr Wilson is the chairman of a local charity. He finds out that the charity has never received any donation from the richest lawyer in town. He decides to do something about it and picks the phone.
“Good morning Mr Duckman, according to our information, you had a very good year last year and yet you haven't donated anything...”
The lawyer doesn't even let him finish.
“And do YOU know that I have terminally ill mother whose hospital bills are several times higher than her income, that my brother, a war veteran, is on wheelchair and blind, that my sister is a widow with three children?”
“No, I didn't know that” says Mr Wilson meekly.
“Now you know, and if I give no money to them, why the hell should I give anything to you!?!”

Joke 9: The Inner Voice

One day a guy hears a mysterious inner voice. The voice tels him:
“Withdraw all money from the bank!”
He obeys the voice and withdraws all money from his bank accounts. After that the mysterious voice tells him:
“Go to the casino!”
He goes to the casino. The roulette, black jack, one armed bandits... the whole deal. He doesn't even get a good look and a new command of the voice is here:
“Go to the roulette and put all the money on 13!”
He does that. The roulette is spinning and spinning and when it stops... 12.
The mysterious voice:
“Damn!!!”

Joke 8: The Cellar

“Where is your wife?”
“In the cellar.”
“You locked her up?”
“No, paved over.”

Joke 7: The Swimming Cap

A head comes to Paralympics and wants to enter the swimming competition. They asked it how is it going to swim. The head explained that it is going to paddle with its ears.
The next day the head arranged with one of the organizers to kick it into the water after the starting signal.
The round started, but the head just splashed the water and dropped to the bottom.
They fished it out and asked it why it didn’t swim.
“Some idiot put me the swimming cap on.”

Joke 6: Humpback

One day, a humpback comes into a pub without his hump. The other regulars ask him how that happened.
“I took a shortcut through the cemetery last night. I met the Grim Reaper.
She asked me if I had a hump. I said that I do. She said ’give me’ and the hump was gone.”
A blind man hears that and thinks:
“If the Reaper healed the humpback, she might return my sight as well.”
He waits for the night and goes to the cemetery. Surprise, surprise, he meets the Grim Reaper.
The Reaper says:
“Do you have a hump?”
“No”
“Here you are!”

Joke 5: A Lover

A granddaughter asks her grandmother:
“Grandma, what is a lover?”
“A lover? A LOVER!”
Cries grandmother, opens a closet and a skeleton falls out.

Joke 4: On the Train

A young man gets on a bus. All seats are already taken, but on the floor is a huge carry bag. The young man asks the old lady sitting next to the bag if he may sit on it.
“But off cause boy. Sit down, but be careful with the balls”.
“Do you have balls in the bag?”
“No, nails!”

Joke 3: The Proposal

Mr Newman comes to his mother in law and says:
”Mom, I'll get a divorce because of you.”
The mother in law blushes and answers:
”Yes!”
Then she thinks about it some more and adds:
”But won't the age difference be a problem?”

Joke 2: Heart Attack

Grandma and grandpa are sitting at the table and having dinner.
Grandma says:
“Frank, call ambulance, I've got a strange warm feeling near the heart.”
Grandpa answers:
”Don't be absurd. I need no ambulance to see that your left boob is in the soup!”

Joke 1: Grandma's Birthday

Grandma Trudy celebrates her birthday. Her two best friends are invited. Sadly, they are all a bit forgetful.
Trudy's granddaughter reminds her:
“Granny, don't forget three things. Make them coffee, give them sandwiches and take the cake out of the fridge”.
The friends come and grandma tries to remember what she was supposed to present them with. Then she remembers and makes them coffee.
After that they talk and talk and the time for second round comes. Grandma tries to remember what the second thing was. After some deliberation it finally comes to her – coffee.
Then they talk again and the time for the third dish comes. Grandma thinks and … makes them coffee.
After they said their goodbyes and the doors are closed after them one of the friends said to the other one:
"Trudy was a bit weird today. The years are catching up with here. She didn't even make us coffee."